I’m quite sure none of us awaken with the morning prayer,
“Please make me a good Sherpa today, Lord.”
If that’s the case, I wonder why I see so many grandmothers walking
around faithfully, quietly fulfilling this role…at the beck and call of -
rather than working WITH - our daughters.
Could it be that our desire to be included has trumped our basic need
for self-respect? Has the wish to feel
“necessary” dwarfed our allegiance to ourselves and the nobility to which we c/s/would
aspire? Have we decided to become
submissive in order to stay in the “needed” category? This self-effacing behavior may serve the
short term goal of inclusion, but I’m not sure any of these behaviors is ultimately
beneficial to our daughters, their children, and certainly not to ourselves.
At the local PIRL [Parent Interactive Research Lab]
recently, I observed another classic case of the 3-generation twist. McDonalds [our local PIRL] was the location
where Grandma twisted herself into knots trying to chase her 3 year old
granddaughter while following the commands of her daughter. The sweet child who took off into the “play
pit” had already twisted grandma around her little finger and was pitting the
mother/daughter duo against each other to determine whether socks should be
worn in the area or not.
It’s hard to say which was sadder, to have the 30-something
mother directing her own mother to “move the food over to the other table” and “don’t
leave our purses where someone could pick them up” and “make Molly put her
socks back on!” OR the fact that the Sherpa Grandma felt bad enough about
herself to let it happen. Patterns like
this don’t develop overnight. It takes
years of training and requires a bosser and a bossee.
In order to be treated with disrespect, we have to allow
it. Some people call it
codependence. I call it needless. A conversation between Grandmother and her
daughter [over a quiet cup of coffee, rather than in the midst of a challenge]
might evolve from a prologue such as one of these:
- Being a
parent is hard isn’t it? And you’re
doing such a great job.
- I’ve
noticed that we have different approaches to dealing with Molly.
- Have you
noticed that things get pretty hectic when the three of us are out in public?
- Could we
talk about the best way to work together around this parenting thing?
- I love
being with you both but am feeling a little uncomfortable about our
interactions. I know that you want us all to enjoy our time together.
- I’m really
interested in knowing how you see my role as a grandmother as it relates to
your family.
- How can I
be of most help to you?
- I’m
delighted to have time with you and Molly, and need some clarification on
roles.
- I love
helping out and know you want me to feel appreciated and respected.
If we want our adult daughters to grow up valuing THEMselves
[and, in turn, their children valuing THEMselves], we need to have them see us
valuing OURselves. Even if it means
requires a candid conversation which might require holding your ground on
certain topics/beliefs of your own. It
can be done with [breathing] calm respect.
Sometimes you may simply agree to disagree, or, if you begin observing
stress on either end, you might suggest coming back to discuss it at a later
time.
I couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if
“The Sherpa’s” response to the various commands from her daughter had been a
respectful but firm:
- Can you
get the purses? My hands are full right
now.
- Good idea,
but I’m busy. Could you move the food?
- I think
we’ve got the sock thing covered, thanks.
- How about
we tag team. You can focus on moving us
to a new table and I will focus on the getting Molly ready for the play
structure (or socks)?
AND “How does that
sound?” is a wonderful way to end the suggestion. Everyone likes to be asked their opinion.
Rather than seeing her grandmother treated
disrespectfully, little Molly might have witnessed intelligent adults agreeing
to be mutually supportive of each other.
And patient. And kind. She might not have learned that bossing is
okay and bullying is acceptable.
Developing an open dialogue around expectations,
patterns, concerns, and disappointments makes for a healthy emotional
environment that benefits all three generations. The conversation might include reflections on
what the intergenerational relationships were even a generation earlier, along
with the stated desire to “have an easier and happier time than I did with MY
mom.” Everything can’t be covered in one
sitting, and things continue to morph as everyone grows and matures. But having both Grandmother and Daughter
realize that the door is open for discussion in the future relieves
anxiety...especially if the stated goal is mutual support and love and trust
that everyone is ultimately always trying their best.
And these generational talks can provide their own levity
too. Years ago, when I was 30, my 50
year old mother pleaded with me regarding her 70 year old mother: “If I ever do
that to you will you please remind me not to?!”
Now at 90, neither my mother nor I remember what “that” was – but I’m
sure it was motivated by love and we apparently lived through it. Now there are three generations chuckling
about it.
It’s not always an easy conversation to broach. I’ve seen some successful Grandmother/Daughter
teams move past it into a 3-step STOP/LOOK/LISTEN pattern. In this model Grandma observes one of the
“grands” doing something bizarre, or getting out of bed for the seventh time,
or throwing the sippy cup on the ground again, or continuing to scream at her
sister. This wise [and sensitive]
Grandma notices that Mom appears ready to lose it – either because she’s
already tried several approaches with no results, or because it’s been a rough
day. Grandma doesn’t immediately swoop
in to “save the day” since that might imply the daughter lacks the skill to
handle the problem.
- She STOPS to take a deep
breath.
- She scopes out the situation
and LOOKS at Mom’s face to make sure she isn’t stepping on any toes or being
premature and only then asks Mom “is it my turn?” or “can I try?” or “would you
like some help?”
- She LISTENS for a response.
Sometimes there’s a green light from Mom and an intervention
occurs as the baton is passed to Grandmother.
Or sometimes Mom declines the offer and moves ahead with her own “plan
B.” A quick Grand acknowledgement of “okay” [without additional comment or
attempt to convince] is important to seal the deal. If Mom doesn’t opt for help this time, she
might accept it next time since she now feels supported and respected, rather
than challenged. And contrary to popular
belief, a grandmother who bites her tongue doesn’t really bite it off, but
lives to talk another day!
I’ve observed that this brief 1,2,3 interchange seems to
shift the energy momentarily away from the conflict between mother and
child. Brains process more clearly. When attention again returns to the situation
at hand – whether the next step is handled by Mom or Grandma – the intensity
seems diminished and the problem more easily handled.
It’s wonderful to watch the blossoming of a harmonious,
effective grandmother/daughter relationship through the conversation approach
OR the [slightly less obvious] 1,2,3 railroad crossing method. Ideal is the application of both: “Here’s what I’ve noticed”; AND then the
quiet living of respecting and loving you as THE mom.
Just make sure you have a designated spot to drop your
Sherpa baggage.
Life really is too short!
Christie Clarke