SHERPA GRANDMAS

I’m quite sure none of us awaken with the morning prayer, “Please make me a good Sherpa today, Lord.”  If that’s the case, I wonder why I see so many grandmothers walking around faithfully, quietly fulfilling this role…at the beck and call of - rather than working WITH - our daughters.  Could it be that our desire to be included has trumped our basic need for self-respect?  Has the wish to feel “necessary” dwarfed our allegiance to ourselves and the nobility to which we c/s/would aspire?  Have we decided to become submissive in order to stay in the “needed” category?  This self-effacing behavior may serve the short term goal of inclusion, but I’m not sure any of these behaviors is ultimately beneficial to our daughters, their children, and certainly not to ourselves.

Photo by Zsolt Botykai

At the local PIRL [Parent Interactive Research Lab] recently, I observed another classic case of the 3-generation twist.  McDonalds [our local PIRL] was the location where Grandma twisted herself into knots trying to chase her 3 year old granddaughter while following the commands of her daughter.  The sweet child who took off into the “play pit” had already twisted grandma around her little finger and was pitting the mother/daughter duo against each other to determine whether socks should be worn in the area or not. 

It’s hard to say which was sadder, to have the 30-something mother directing her own mother to “move the food over to the other table” and “don’t leave our purses where someone could pick them up” and “make Molly put her socks back on!” OR the fact that the Sherpa Grandma felt bad enough about herself to let it happen.  Patterns like this don’t develop overnight.  It takes years of training and requires a bosser and a bossee. 

In order to be treated with disrespect, we have to allow it.  Some people call it codependence.  I call it needless.  A conversation between Grandmother and her daughter [over a quiet cup of coffee, rather than in the midst of a challenge] might evolve from a prologue such as one of these:

• Being a parent is hard isn’t it?  And you’re doing such a great job.
• I’ve noticed that we have different approaches to dealing with Molly.
• Have you noticed that things get pretty hectic when the three of us are out in public?
• Could we talk about the best way to work together around this parenting thing?
• I love being with you both but am feeling a little uncomfortable about our interactions. I know that you want us all to enjoy our time together.
• I’m really interested in knowing how you see my role as a grandmother as it relates to your family.
• How can I be of most help to you?
• I’m delighted to have time with you and Molly, and need some clarification on roles.
• I love helping out and know you want me to feel appreciated and respected.

If we want our adult daughters to grow up valuing THEMselves [and, in turn, their children valuing THEMselves], we need to have them see us valuing OURselves.  Even if it means requires a candid conversation which might require holding your ground on certain topics/beliefs of your own.  It can be done with [breathing] calm respect.  Sometimes you may simply agree to disagree, or, if you begin observing stress on either end, you might suggest coming back to discuss it at a later time.

I couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if “The Sherpa’s” response to the various commands from her daughter had been a respectful but firm: 

• Can you get the purses?  My hands are full right now.
• Good idea, but I’m busy. Could you move the food?
• I think we’ve got the sock thing covered, thanks.
• How about we tag team.  You can focus on moving us to a new table and I will focus on the getting Molly ready for the play structure (or socks)?

AND “How does that sound?”  is a wonderful  way to end the suggestion.  Everyone likes to be asked their opinion.

Rather than seeing her grandmother treated disrespectfully, little Molly might have witnessed intelligent adults agreeing to be mutually supportive of each other.  And patient.  And kind.  She might not have learned that bossing is okay and bullying is acceptable.

Developing an open dialogue around expectations, patterns, concerns, and disappointments makes for a healthy emotional environment that benefits all three generations.  The conversation might include reflections on what the intergenerational relationships were even a generation earlier, along with the stated desire to “have an easier and happier time than I did with MY mom.”  Everything can’t be covered in one sitting, and things continue to morph as everyone grows and matures.  But having both Grandmother and Daughter realize that the door is open for discussion in the future relieves anxiety...especially if the stated goal is mutual support and love and trust that everyone is ultimately always trying their best.   

And these generational talks can provide their own levity too.  Years ago, when I was 30, my 50 year old mother pleaded with me regarding her 70 year old mother: “If I ever do that to you will you please remind me not to?!”  Now at 90, neither my mother nor I remember what “that” was – but I’m sure it was motivated by love and we apparently lived through it.  Now there are three generations chuckling about it.

It’s not always an easy conversation to broach.  I’ve seen some successful Grandmother/Daughter teams move past it into a 3-step STOP/LOOK/LISTEN pattern.  In this model Grandma observes one of the “grands” doing something bizarre, or getting out of bed for the seventh time, or throwing the sippy cup on the ground again, or continuing to scream at her sister.  This wise [and sensitive] Grandma notices that Mom appears ready to lose it – either because she’s already tried several approaches with no results, or because it’s been a rough day.  Grandma doesn’t immediately swoop in to “save the day” since that might imply the daughter lacks the skill to handle the problem.

1. She STOPS to take a deep breath.
2. She scopes out the situation and LOOKS at Mom’s face to make sure she isn’t stepping on any toes or being premature and only then asks Mom “is it my turn?” or “can I try?” or “would you like some help?”
3. She LISTENS for a response. 

Sometimes there’s a green light from Mom and an intervention occurs as the baton is passed to Grandmother.  Or sometimes Mom declines the offer and moves ahead with her own “plan B.”  A quick Grand acknowledgement of “okay” [without additional comment or attempt to convince] is important to seal the deal.  If Mom doesn’t opt for help this time, she might accept it next time since she now feels supported and respected, rather than challenged.  And contrary to popular belief, a grandmother who bites her tongue doesn’t really bite it off, but lives to talk another day!

I’ve observed that this brief 1,2,3 interchange seems to shift the energy momentarily away from the conflict between mother and child.  Brains process more clearly.  When attention again returns to the situation at hand – whether the next step is handled by Mom or Grandma – the intensity seems diminished and the problem more easily handled.

It’s wonderful to watch the blossoming of a harmonious, effective grandmother/daughter relationship through the conversation approach OR the [slightly less obvious] 1,2,3 railroad crossing method.  Ideal is the application of both: “Here’s what I’ve noticed”; AND then the quiet living of respecting and loving you as THE mom.   

Just make sure you have a designated spot to drop your Sherpa baggage. 

Life really is too short!

Christie Clarke