ODE TO A DOWNY BALL

Thou shalt respond, not react.

Photo by Nikole Gipps

Epiphanies come at various times and locations.  I had one recently in front of my washing machine.  Either an overly stressful day or the late hour may have accounted for me finding myself staring aimlessly into the watery abyss in my basement observing the action of the Downy Ball.  Some may recognize the name of this clever little invention – more popular before the advent of the dryer sheet.  (I figure it was invented by a frustrated mother who missed the rinse cycle one too many times.)  A fist-sized, hollow plastic sphere, it’s designed with a rubber stopper on the top which can be pulled closed once the fabric softener has been poured inside.  It’s then placed into the washing machine where it bobs contentedly through the wash cycle, releasing its contents dutifully during the spin, depositing the softening agent on the wet, soapy clothing to await the rinse cycle.  Presto - softened, static-free clothes!

For some reason I felt that I needed to look again – that somehow there was a riddle, a meaning, awaiting me in the sudsy water.  Suddenly it became clear (the message, not the water)!  The following day I was to address a group of parents who were to bring their frustrations, irritations, thwarted efforts, and hopes (they usually come in that order) to the beginning in a series of parenting workshops.  Since “change” is usually something appreciated only by soggy-diapered infants and resisted by everyone else, the question was how to move this group out of a place of reactions – usually life long or generationally established – into a calm sense of response.

In the parent /child, as with most human relationships, it’s the ability to communicate that is essential, and who of us can communicate when we’re upset?  Or at least do it successfully.  Brain testing has shown repeatedly that the action of this marvelous piece of grey matter is severely impaired when anger (fear, shock, frustration –all of which tend to masquerade as anger) is the overriding emotion.  Some refer to it as “fight or flight” – some call it “brain stem.”  The result is that the frontal cortex (the thinking center) virtually shuts down when the base of the brain begins to produce the hormones that generate the feeling we recognize as anger.  Yes, this is the “chemical imbalance” we hear about.  It takes quite a toll.  It may be the single biggest deterrent to good parenting.  Bad for the parent.  Bad for the child.  Disciplining from a place of anger is as effective as pouring gasoline on a fire.   

I stood there admiring the aplomb with which that little ball handled the turbulence of the water.  Jostling with dirty laundry didn’t impact it. More water could be added – even hot – without any adjustment being needed.  Nothing that was thrown in bothered it.  I could heap in as much additional “stuff” as I liked, with no long term impact.  If temporarily submerged, it always bobbed back to the surface eventually.  As if awaiting the right moment, it put up with whatever conditions it was subjected to.  Since it had been unaffected by all this jostling, it was ready, at the appointed time, to release its beneficial liquid.

How I longed for the qualities of that waterlogged orb: to be unaffected by the hostility, frustrations, disagreements, irritations of daily life; to rise above the temptation to return negativity for negativity;  to intuit somehow that the time would eventually be right to deal with whatever situation was presenting itself.  Had the cork popped prematurely, the impact – the good which it was designed to do – would have been lost.  If it had been put prematurely into a spin, its effectiveness would have been lost.  How often we allow ourselves to be put “into a spin.”  (Allow is the operational word since kids can’t make us angry or upset or disappointed.  That’s something we have to let in.  More accurately put, it’s “this is bringing up anger for me” or “I’m feeling frustrated” or “this is really disappointing.”)

What are some skills that allow us to “bob through life” rather than spinning into trouble?  As parents we know that old adage “a word to the wise is sufficient.”  Generally we feel it’s our responsibility to impart those words to our children.  What if we were to figure out a way to impart them to ourselves?  We’ve all been on airplanes and heard the warning about what to do with those little emergency masks if they drop down – take care of yourself before you try to help someone else.  What about finding a phrase that your best (calmest, most intelligent) self would tell your self that occasionally has trouble remembering who’s the adult?  Even the Biblical patriarch, Paul, realized, “the good that I would, I do not; but the evil I would not, even that I do.” 

A pack of sticky notes and a little intuition go a long way toward caring about yourself.  Some parents develop a list of “reminders” that resonate with their own recurring challenges.  Sharing the common ones brings embarrassing identification from numerous faces:

• I am the parent.
• I am the role model.
• Frustration and anger fuel misbehavior.
• This too shall pass.
• I can do this.
• What up?
• Shut your mouth.
• Keep smiling.
• Actions speak louder than words.
• Silence is golden.

They can be tailored to speak to that self that needs a little encouragement and reminding.  They can be colloquial, bilingual, generational, musical.  Written on notes and posted prominently and abundantly (on mirror, under toilet lid, on cupboard door, by phone, in medicine cabinet), these cues are a parent’s own support system.  An aid to the memory can help keep anger at bay and allow calm to prevail.  This calm allows the thinking part of the brain to do its thing.

Although it may sound sacrilegious to wax Biblical about a laundry event, I couldn’t help but hark back to another water-based demonstration of resilience and patience.  According to the account in Genesis, pairs of animals encased in an ark were lifted above the deluge, regardless of the amount of water.  Floating is floating, whether in a pond, on an ocean…or in a Whirlpool!  Take a big breath and rise to the surface.