Thou shalt respond, not react.
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| Photo by Nikole Gipps |
Epiphanies
come at various times and locations. I
had one recently in front of my washing machine. Either an overly stressful day or the late
hour may have accounted for me finding myself staring aimlessly into the watery
abyss in my basement observing the action of the Downy Ball. Some may recognize the name of this clever
little invention – more popular before the advent of the dryer sheet. (I figure it was invented by a frustrated
mother who missed the rinse cycle one too many times.) A fist-sized, hollow plastic sphere, it’s
designed with a rubber stopper on the top which can be pulled closed once the
fabric softener has been poured inside.
It’s then placed into the washing machine where it bobs contentedly
through the wash cycle, releasing its contents dutifully during the spin,
depositing the softening agent on the wet, soapy clothing to await the rinse
cycle. Presto - softened, static-free
clothes!
For some
reason I felt that I needed to look again – that somehow there was a riddle, a
meaning, awaiting me in the sudsy water.
Suddenly it became clear (the message, not the water)! The following day I was to address a group of
parents who were to bring their frustrations, irritations, thwarted efforts,
and hopes (they usually come in that order) to the beginning in a series of
parenting workshops. Since “change” is
usually something appreciated only by soggy-diapered infants and resisted by
everyone else, the question was how to move this group out of a place of reactions – usually life long or
generationally established – into a calm sense of response.
In the parent
/child, as with most human relationships, it’s the ability to communicate that
is essential, and who of us can communicate when we’re upset? Or at least do it successfully. Brain testing has shown repeatedly that the
action of this marvelous piece of grey matter is severely impaired when anger
(fear, shock, frustration –all of which tend to masquerade as anger) is the
overriding emotion. Some refer to it as
“fight or flight” – some call it “brain stem.”
The result is that the frontal cortex (the thinking center) virtually
shuts down when the base of the brain begins to produce the hormones that
generate the feeling we recognize as anger.
Yes, this is the “chemical imbalance” we hear about. It takes quite a toll. It may be the single biggest deterrent to
good parenting. Bad for the parent. Bad for the child. Disciplining from a place of anger is as
effective as pouring gasoline on a fire.
I stood there
admiring the aplomb with which that little ball handled the turbulence of the
water. Jostling with dirty laundry
didn’t impact it. More water could be added – even hot – without any adjustment
being needed. Nothing that was thrown in
bothered it. I could heap in as much
additional “stuff” as I liked, with no long term impact. If temporarily submerged, it always bobbed
back to the surface eventually. As if
awaiting the right moment, it put up with whatever conditions it was subjected
to. Since it had been unaffected by all
this jostling, it was ready, at the appointed time, to release its beneficial
liquid.
How I longed
for the qualities of that waterlogged orb: to be unaffected by the hostility,
frustrations, disagreements, irritations of daily life; to rise above the
temptation to return negativity for negativity;
to intuit somehow that the time would eventually be right to deal with
whatever situation was presenting itself.
Had the cork popped prematurely, the impact – the good which it was
designed to do – would have been lost.
If it had been put prematurely into a spin, its effectiveness would have
been lost. How often we allow ourselves
to be put “into a spin.” (Allow is the operational word since kids
can’t make us angry or upset or
disappointed. That’s something we have
to let in. More accurately put, it’s
“this is bringing up anger for me” or “I’m feeling frustrated” or “this is really
disappointing.”)
What are some
skills that allow us to “bob through life” rather than spinning into
trouble? As parents we know that old
adage “a word to the wise is sufficient.”
Generally we feel it’s our responsibility to impart those words to our
children. What if we were to figure out
a way to impart them to ourselves? We’ve
all been on airplanes and heard the warning about what to do with those little
emergency masks if they drop down – take care of yourself before you try to
help someone else. What about finding a
phrase that your best (calmest, most intelligent) self would tell your self
that occasionally has trouble remembering who’s the adult? Even the Biblical patriarch, Paul, realized,
“the good that I would, I do not; but the evil I would not, even that I
do.”
A pack of
sticky notes and a little intuition go a long way toward caring about
yourself. Some parents develop a list of
“reminders” that resonate with their own recurring challenges. Sharing the common ones brings embarrassing
identification from numerous faces:
- I am the parent.
- I am the role model.
- Frustration and anger fuel misbehavior.
- This too shall pass.
- I can do this.
- What up?
- Shut your mouth.
- Keep smiling.
- Actions speak louder than words.
- Silence is golden.
They can be tailored
to speak to that self that needs a little encouragement and reminding. They can be colloquial, bilingual,
generational, musical. Written on notes
and posted prominently and abundantly (on mirror, under toilet lid, on cupboard
door, by phone, in medicine cabinet), these cues are a parent’s own support
system. An aid to the memory can help
keep anger at bay and allow calm to prevail.
This calm allows the thinking part of the brain to do its thing.
Although it
may sound sacrilegious to wax Biblical about a laundry event, I couldn’t help
but hark back to another water-based demonstration of resilience and
patience. According to the account in
Genesis, pairs of animals encased in an ark were lifted above the deluge,
regardless of the amount of water.
Floating is floating, whether in a pond, on an ocean…or in a
Whirlpool! Take a big breath and rise to
the surface.
